Mark vs Blackbird

The following is not a metaphor. I'm not trying to make some grand statement about the conflict between humanity and nature. It doesn't provide a profound insight into my innermost thoughts and feelings. This is a literal tale of the living hell my life has become.

There is a Blackbird.

My Holiday Diary - Part 3, The Beauty and the Baron

I'm no stranger to affairs of the heart, in my short life I've know both the ecstasy and agony of love many times. As a data analyst, my work takes me all over West Yorkshire and I find that women are naturally drawn to a man with a solid grasp on the advance functions of Microsoft Excel. I've been blessed to meet many beautiful and intelligent ladies and I, in turn, have blessed them with my presence. When I journeyed to the Island of Wight a union of souls was the farthest thing from my mind, I should have learned from my previous experiences. If it can, the heart will find a way, against its wishes we are but pawns, to be moved and sacrificed at its whim.

Lumpy Legs and Short-haired Doctors

I’ve always been a mild hypochondriac.

Not to the point where I’ll actively search for possible ailments to suffer from but if something crops ups which has the possibility to be serious I’ll automatically jump to the worst case scenario. Case in point; a small lump on the back of my right leg which I’ve had for about four months. I decided to show someone at work who (reasonably) quickly said “Maybe you should go to the doctors.”

The Tower of Barkel

With our infinite arrogance and pride, humankind has always been a boon companion of folly. Recall, if you will, the story of The Tower of Babel. A monument reaching towards the very heavens; designed to rival the work of the Creator itself. In its righteous and divine fury God cast down the tower, scattered humanity to the four winds and deigned that forever more we speak in tongues foreign to each other. What the story neglects to mention however is that it was not only humans that dared defy God's will. It is this tale that I tell you now.

Making rules for life

I've been absolutely obsessed with my looks recently, which, given that my concept of time is extremely poor, means approximately the last 28 years.

Its ranged from the reasonable (maybe I should shave my beard?) to the slightly more radical (perhaps it's time to seriously invest in cravats and a monocle). Now I've even started to draw other people into it. It started off simple, asking friends questions like "Do you think I could pull off pink brogues?" Now it's mutated it forcing random acquaintances to reveal their height and age so I can compare myself more accurately to them.

Ratatouille

Ingredients:

-All the vegetables

-Pot

-Cooker

Method:

I am afraid. If I look over my shoulder I can still see the pot containing the ratatouille on the oven. We stare at each other for a moment, our shared journey bonding us closer than brothers. I let out a gasp and flee the room.

My Holiday Diary - Part 2, The Beach at Dawn

I awoke in a cold sweat. This was the third night I had spent on the island and for the third time I found my sleep plagued by disturbing visions. I raised my head from the pillow and turned to look at the clock on the bedside table. The red digits proudly proclaimed the time as 4.36am, this was intolerable. I was used to early starts, on normal day I woke up at 5am each morning to perform a vigourous cardiovascular workout but this was supposed to be a holiday. Sitting up, I sighed as I stretched out my neck and arms, the taut muscles flexing, readying themselves for the challenges of the day.